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About Me
- Name: ahwan
- Location: Singapore
Animal Activist : Pesco-Vegetarian : Christian : Water Baby : Bballer : Gd Mother n Granny : Crazy Crooner : Herbal Healer : Budding Baker : Temperamental Home-Maker
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REFRESH
designed by quentinsim
[c]04-06 All Rights Reserved
I figured that soul-searching and excessive pondering were my favourite hobbies 3 years ago, and are now -for the better or worse- replaced by pondering deficiency and general indifference syndrome. The worst part? I am only 3 years older but felt 15 years older in body and spirit. O no... :(
***
What should I say? What should I write? What do I do with this aching heart of mine?
I don’t know what to say, what to write, what to do and why my heart is aching, my eyelids are lowered and my gaze inwards.
Should I say what you want to hear, write what you want to read, do what you want to see? Why are you hesitating…Is it such a difficult question to answer?
“What’s happening?”
だいじょうぶ！
Are you ready? Are you prepared? Are you trying?
Life is so amazing, so wonderful and too powerful. Every slight change in the monotony of our life would be so…life-changing. Slight changes…No, even words, small words are enough. “I love you.” “You’re amazing.” “You have cancer.” “Gone.” “I like you.” “Thank you.” “Are you crying?” “Great!” “You are the best.” “Will you marry me?”
“Boy or girl?”
If life is too powerful, and we take setbacks so hard, then why is it at the mercy of insignificant small little words? Why would the world crash if the doctor says that one “only has 1 month left”? Why would your world crash when you hear the words “only 1 month left”? Why would your world still crash even when more words like “I’m with you”, “We’ll fight together till the very end”, “A miracle will happen, yes it will” were said? Why don’t we let these words affect us now? Why doesn’t life give a care about these bigger, significant words?
I am only twenty years old. And I’ve been living in a world without words. How about you?
My world without words is a complicated one, but it doesn’t scare me in the dark like the reality does. Though it is a non-competitive world where one can run freely in the wilderness, and perhaps meet a pack of friendly wolves or two, my world confuses me. It is a beautiful world with no answers. It is a comfortable world with no casualties. It is a flawless world with……It is too perfect. In my world, there is no pain, no hurt, no tears. When I fall and stumble, I don’t get cuts and bruises. When I pick up a stalk of rose, my hand doesn’t bleed from getting pricked by the thorns. Everything, everyone is forever young, forever healthy, forever smiling, so what is crying? Tears are only there to moisturize our eyes so they sparkle when we smile against the sunrays. We will run and sing without going off-key. I love my world and the luscious greenery which stretches into the horizon. We would lie on the grass and smile ourselves silly, asking “When will we die?” Looking into your eyes, I answer with an inward gaze, “I don’t know.”
Why?
And then the other choice has to be so harsh and brutal. Reality has never kept everyone warm, everyone full, and everyone happy and satisfied. Do I need to say more? There I go, balancing on the fence, with smiling faces persuading me to come down on one side, and an empty and cold dark alley on the other. I stood up gingerly and smiled at my loving people. They waved lovingly at me with sparkles in their eyes, and the background dotted with scorching yellow and orange sunflowers. Oh how I love them. Placing my arms across my chest, I closed my eyes and let gravity did its work. I fell on my back, and landed head-first.
My vision was blurred. Still flat on the ground, I turned weakly and smiled at the pool of red.
Ah, so this is what it’s like.
Reality hurts.